Include Parents in Social and Emotional Strategies

| By: Committee for Children

I answered a craigslist ad hoping to purchase a white vanity set for my daughter for her sixth birthday. I showed up at the seller’s house and found she was a former parent from my elementary school. I never taught any of this woman’s three children, but she was a very involved parent, so our paths crossed frequently at school events and PTSA functions. We hadn’t seen each other for five years or so, so while figuring out the best way to transport the vanity we chatted about what everyone was doing now, her kids, my kids, former staff, families, and of course education. During our conversation she said something I just can’t stop thinking about: “Now that my children are all almost graduated from high school, I wish I would have focused just as much on their social and emotional world as their academics.”

Wow. It really got me thinking. What if all parents focused just as much on their kids’ social and emotional growth as the number on their report cards? What if understanding emotions and being able to communicate them was as high a priority as knowing basic math facts? What if along with reading to your child every night your classroom teacher expected you to brainstorm five different ways your child could make a new friend the next day?

I’m sure some parents do place the same emphasis on social and emotional learning as academics. You see, I have always loved parents. When we teach parents we work with, we teach their kids for a lifetime. Parents are children’s first and most important teachers. And they often remember the knowledge and expertise we share with them, and try to do exactly as the teacher says. I truly believe all parents want the best for their children, but many times they don’t know how to achieve it.

So do me a favor. As an educator I ask you to teach parents these important social and emotional skills to work on with their children. Write a Second Step strategy in a newsletter each week. Suggest roleplaying and social stories at home for children to learn how to solve problems and be good friends. Emphasize these skills at Back to School Night and conferences. Remind parents about the importance of modeling effective language, such as “It’s okay to be frustrated, but it’s not okay to throw a marker across the room.” I know we teachers are already overloaded and teaching so much with so little time! However if we truly want our students to have positive and productive lives, social and emotional learning must be part of the equation.

Here’s one last example. You will see how urgent the need is to educate parents about the importance of social and emotional learning and how it’s just as important as academics. My daughter came home from the first day of kindergarten and told me a girl in her class with a Hello Kitty backpack hit another girl and was sent to the principal’s office. The girl didn’t come back to class for the rest of the day. Another incident happened the next day, and the day after—different tales about something this girl had done. The girl happened to walk by my daughter and me one day, and my daughter pointed out “the girl with the Hello Kitty backpack.” I talked to my daughter about how we are all learning, and maybe she just needs a friend or maybe school is hard for her, etc., to try to teach my daughter the importance of taking another’s perspective.

The next day we saw the girl walking to school with her dad, and on the way to school her father was quizzing her with flash cards. He didn’t stop until they reached the lineup. The girl could have been coached all the way to school about ways to make friends, strategies for what to do if she gets annoyed or angry with another child, or some goals to make for the day. Maybe this happened before the flash card; I have no idea. But I do hope the father is not just receiving calls from the principal and teacher, but is using this opportunity to learn some skills to help his daughter. He probably feels he’s helping her by quizzing her with flash cards. But the little girl probably feels she’s unwelcome at school, and she’s just in kindergarten. How sad is that?

So many parents think their children are kindergarten-ready if they are academically ready. We educators all know the academic piece is just one part of the child. We know the way children feel about themselves and others, and interact with each other is just as important, if not more, to being successful in this world. Let’s help our kids by helping their parents know more, try more, and put down the flashcards and provide a listening ear and guiding hand in both their children’s academic worlds and their social and emotional worlds as well.