To Trust or Not To Trust | By: Committee for Children As a teacher I hardly ever sent a child to the principal's office. It's not that I thought I was capable of handling every situation. I just always felt if I sent that child to the principal's office, I would never be able to get anywhere with that child again, and the child would always think I couldn't handle them. I also thought I had broken a trust, and without trust it's hard to have a relationship. I never wanted that, but what I did want was that child to learn and grow and become successful … always. I always wanted a relationship with my students. Granted there were a few times a room clear was needed for the safety of the other children involved, or it was best for the child to go take a break far away from class to speak with another caring adult like a counselor or principal, but almost always punishment was not going to change the behavior of this child. If it did, it would be a short-term change and then the same behavior was back again. True change was built on relationships. Changing the behavior of a child has always come from loving that child even more, building rapport, and building that trust. For me there is no question to punish or not to punish. The question is how can I build a relationship with this child? How can I gain his or her trust? And I believe it should be on every teacher's mind at the beginning of the year and throughout as we work to help “grow” our students, not punish them. Think about those students of yours you constantly want to punish and who you feel need it. Try these six steps the next time you feel like “punishing” them and see what happens. Here are six ways I have built trust with kids who some may have punished. Empathize. “I can see you are having a tough morning.” Ask questions. Listen. “Did something happen this morning to make you so angry?” Share your story. “I know once when I was angry I wanted to throw a … but I … “ The golden rule. “How would you would feel if a pencil got thrown at you?” Make it better. “We need to do something to make Susie feel better.” Follow up and notice change. “Wow, you really turned yourself around today.” These are all ways we build trust in our day-to-day relationship with our friends, our spouses, and our colleagues, so why wouldn't we do the same with our students? When we have relationships with people we don't want to disappoint them. We want to please them. Show me a classroom where children are high achieving, and I will show you a teacher that not only holds high expectations for each child and knows what they are capable of but has a unique relationship with each one of them. We must remember that trust is not given in any relationship, it must be earned – why wouldn't we need to earn the trust of our students like anyone else? It takes time and our behavior modeled over and over again for our students to see that we will be consistent and loving every time. They need to know and see we will not give up on them no matter what. No matter how hard it is, we will be there to empathize, listen, share, reflect, help mend the “mistake,” and follow up. Kids need us to care. They need us to coach them along. They need us to teach them these crucial social and emotional skills not “punish” them for skills they have never known or been taught. Some students will take minutes, others weeks, some several months to earn our trust, and I truly believe when we have earned that trust, then and only then, we can have a profound impact on our students and on their futures. Do your students trust you? That is the question.